What makes us what we are?

What makes us what we are? Is it our circumstances? How we were raised? Or is it just our nature? I have to admit that I've been wondering this very thing lately. I'm trying to follow a dream that I've had since I was 13 or 14. I'm trying to write a book. And in the process of trying to figure out who my characters are or who they become I've found myself reviewing my own life and who I am. Who am I really? Why am I here? And am I doing the things that need to be done or will I leave this earth with unfinished business?

As some of you may have noticed I changed my blog title. I changed it to reflect my life. I feel that every time I get something down and am beginning to understand how my life works, something happens to confuse me all over again.
Being a mom is a scary yet rewarding experience. Zoe is the light of my life. But looking at her I realize that some day she'll grow up and leave... just like I did, just like my parents did and their parents etc. etc. At times the thought of letting her go to such a cruel world hurts me so much that I find myself crying as I play with her, or when she flashes that toothless drooly grin, or when she trys to talk to my while she's nursing. It hurts my heart to think that she'll have to learn how harsh and scary the world truly is. But I too had to learn it and honestly am still learning it.
I'm so sorry now that I thought my mom was holding on too tight. I think that I already understand how hard it is for her. She lost my younger sister and I within six months of each other and my brother just moved about 100 miles away from her at the age of 19. My mom is only 42 and can't believe that all of her kids are grown and gone already. I had Zoe, my first, at the same age that my mom had my brother, her youngest. Will I get past this?

I might be having my baby on Friday!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited! My doctor told me to come back in on Thursday and if I'm effaced enough and the hospital can get me in we'll have her on Friday. If not then we're going to wait until the following Friday, which is a day after her due date, and induce her then... unless she decides to come on her own. Which, if she's anything like me, won't happen. I was 3 weeks late and was still reluctant to leave the womb... even after they induced me!

Ever had a day where all you wanted to do was cry? That's how it is for me today. I should be happy today, it's my 23rd birthday and the 2 week marker for Zoe's due date. But instead I'm wondering why I even bother with anything. I realized today that I've been effectively replaced by everyone except my parents with Zoe. I called my sister a few minutes ago to see how they were and when they got home last night and the first thing she did was wish me a dutiful Happy Birthday.
After that all the questions she had were about when I was thinking of inducing Zoe or if I thought she would come on her own soon.
My mom actually apologized for not thinking to come out and take me home for the day so that I wouldn't have to spend my birthday alone.
When I logged onto my facebook account this afternoon there were quite a few happy birthday messages waiting for me... all of them from people I haven't seen in a long time.
I think that my siblings and my grandparents see Zoe as a second chance to do what they failed to do with me. Kind of like an: " Well Christi didn't turn out the way we wanted her to so maybe Zoe will," type thing. Well I've got news. This little girl will march to the beat of her own drum just like her daddy and me. We're not going to let her be manipulated into some brain-washed robot like I feel so many people tried to make me into.
I'm sorry that so many of my blogs are so negative but this is how I vent I guess. I don't say things very well out loud so this is where it all comes out the way I want it to. And I'm an emotional/hormonal mess with this pregnancy too. I can't help but laugh at myself sometimes.

Yesterday we had a scare. Zoe didn't move all morning or for most of the afternoon. My mom and nana came and drove me to the doctor's office so that they could hook me up to the fetal monitor for a little while. I was doing fine when I called the doctor, then called my mom to let her know what was going on. I fell apart when I called Levi. As soon as I heard his voice on the other end of the line my control crumbled into dust and I was left shaking, crying, and close to panic. I don't like to be that way... especially when he's not at home.
When we got to the doctor's, they hooked up the monitors and left my mom and I in the room while it did it's thing. As soon as the nurse left Zoe started moving like she had been doing it all along. I wasn't having any contractions but her heart rate was fluctuating between 145 and 170 b.p.m. I didn't know whether to cry with relief or frustration. The doctor came in after about 15 minutes looked at the chart and declared her one of the healthiest babies she's ever seen.
She then proceeded to tell me that she doesn't induce until 39 weeks at least. In my emotional state that wasn't a good thing to tell me. Honestly I had been hoping that we could get it all over with then and there.
She did suggest that I take Unisom and get some good sleep. I look like death warmed over. If the sleeplessness doesn't let up within the next couple of days I'm going to try it and see if it will help.

This baby needs to hurry and get here. Levi is watching me like a time bomb, Mom answers the phone in a panic every time I call, and I'm as tense as a steel spring most of the time... was that a contraction?
I need to get a freaking grip on myself, so does everyone else. Especially me though. If I'm not relaxed it's going to take her twice as long to get here.
Sister keeps telling me to wait until she and brother get home next weekend to have the baby so they can pace in the waiting room. NOT my choice! If this baby does come early I hope it's on my birthday next week or on a day that isn't the 14th, 15th, or 16th. Too many birthdays in November!

Winter is in the air. Leave it to Oklahoma to skip almost an entire season. Levi seems to think that this means we're in for a mean winter.
The nursery is all but complete. The only things that remain are some touch up work, the curtains, and painting the end table white... oh and Levi wants to replace the ceiling fan with one that's a little more girley. He's so going to spoil this baby girl rotten... if her grandparents don't beat him to it. ;)
I'm tired. Tired but happy. I only have four more weeks to go in this pregnancy. Four weeks that are going to last an eternity. People keep telling me that the last few weeks will go by more quickly because I'll be visiting the doctor every week from now on but I'm not so sure.
I have to take Heidi, our little beagle mix, to the vet for her second round of puppy shots today... on my own. I don't know how well I'll do considering the fact that I'm pregnant and I can't stand the sight of needles...(the fear of needles is part of the reason why I am going to do a natural birth).
My baby shower is on Sunday afternoon/evening. My sister and her wonderful friend are throwing it for me. I'm so excited! I'll get to see all of my friends again and that will be great. But I can't help but feel a little anxious. My Nana is going to be there and the last thing that I need is for her to take offense at something that one of my friends say or do (since a lot of them aren't really your traditional "Christians" and tend to say exactly what they think). I'm sort of worried that she'll cause a scene and embarrass my mom, sister, and myself. This is probably unfounded but you know with the hormones and stuff it seems like a very real possibility.

Baby girl,
Sweet baby girl,
You are coming into one messed up world.
My prayer for you,
Is that you'll be true,
To your heart and soul.
Let no one take,
Or try to break,
Your spirit or take control of you.
Always know,
As you grow,
That you are loved no matter what you do.
You'll be my girl,
Sweet baby girl,
And I'll always be there for you.

By: Christi Parker